Thiswidowlife

What can I say to 2017.... You brought me pain, sorrow, tears, loss,heartbreak, devastation, confusion, grief, anger, made me a widow. But also I had strength, resilience, hope, smiles, purpose, and fight.  This was the worst year of my life, but it has changed me. I can’t change losing Jerry. I can’t bring him back, and I miss him EVERY day. My heart aches for him. But I am not the same woman I was for the last 39 years. 2017 changed me. I am looking to the future, living and loving each day the the fullest. Becoming stronger and more independent than I ever thought I could be. My children have been through hell and back with me and we are going to have a year of positive things. Tyler turns 18, graduates HS and will start College, Jay will turn 10, I will turn 40. I will start a new career and find new self by not moving on, but moving forward. I never imagined being here at this point in my life. I never thought I would have to walk through this fire, but I am starti...

Christmas is a week away. I have pretty much gotten all of the shopping done, my home is decorated beautifully, and I even hosted a party last weekend. I am going through this month on auto pilot. Trying not to think about last year, how hard this month was for us. The dates are looming ahead of me, reminding me of the scariest days of my life. Yet, I somehow have been able to pull off finishing my pre licensing course for real estate, shopped for christmas, and spend time with my friends and the boys...all by myself. But I have been doing this for a long time, I have not been giving myself credit for taking charge of my life. Jerry and I always said we were a team and we truly were. We always made decisions together. Making sure we checked with the other one before making a final decision on a lot of things. Obviously I am the only one left to do this now, he is not here for me to ask what he thinks about it. I made a lot of decisions in the first few months after Jerry died, mostly b...

Few people close to me know this. So I guess here it is for you all to hear.  When people die the ones they love tend to look for signs, when they think their loved one is there with them, or moments when they say they feel them. They say cardinals, butterflies, etc are signs that they are near. I have struggled with this after Jerry died. You see, I always believed that if someone that close to me died, that they would be able to send me signals or make sure I felt them there. But after he died...he was just gone. He was the urn that I clutched in my arms in a 6 hour plane right to NC. He was the smell of his clothes and cologne. He was in Jays eyes. But I didn’t “feel” him.  I have had lengthy conversations with my mother about how I don’t feel him. In a nutshell she has told me that if I want to feel him I will, or if I truly say it and look for him, he will be there. I told her that I am too skeptical and really felt like he is just gone and cannot give me sig...

Go ahead and cry These are the hardest times for me.  There have only been a few. You cry out for him, and I cry with you.  What am I supposed to say, When your squeezing the bear made from his shirt. I wipe your tears, wishing I could take away the hurt.  Your scared and you are lonely. Emotions that you shouldn’t have to feel.  Your only Nine years old and all of this is so real.  I wish I could turn back time, and change the past. I wish I could make it so this pain wouldn’t last. I will hold you baby, because I can’t tell you why, I love you my son, just go ahead and cry. 

Jerry, There are days when the feeling of missing you is so overwhelming. It hurts in my chest, in my gut, in my soul. I feel lost, empty and sad. There are no words to explain how I feel. My heart, my life, shattered in pieces on the floor.  Your touch, your smile, your laughter. Wanting to touch your face, and feel your heart beating in your chest. You telling me that you would be alright....and now you have been gone for 8 months.  I call out to you sometimes, I touch your face in a picture frame, I look for you in the sky. You left me here alone to raise our boys and sometimes I am so lost in the dark that I cannot see the light.  I have dark days, moments, seconds. Still so haunted by the last few months of your life. Guilt, unanswered questions, anger. Why.....Why. I had a moment yesterday when I realized how much I am still so haunted by this. How I have not found peace in so many things left unsaid or undone. I am searching for that peace. I am trying t...

I woke up this morning after a particularly weird dream about getting into a car accident. The dream was so vivid that I remember feeling what it was like in the car as it flipped over and over, then waking up in the hospital. I was ok, but hurt. Waking up from that dream started my day in a slump. I had already planned to go and pick up the trampoline that I ordered for the boys from the sporting goods store. They were so excited when they heard that I was going to pick it up. On the way to the store I was listening to my Spotify on shuffle, and of course some of my sad songs that remind me of Jerry always end up playing when I do that. I was singing and the tears started to flow...and then they would not stop. I parked the car and cried....and cried. I ended up crying for 30 minutes, and I did not know why today was making me feel this way, but it was. I was so sad, and then mad and then sad. My emotions where out of control. These ups and downs are so hard. Today I was feeling p...

This is my favorite time of year. I love when the mornings are crisp and chilly, and the leaves start turning beautiful colors before they fall from their branches. I have always enjoyed and embraced the Fall. Sweaters, boots, warm meals made in my crockpot. Something about this weather gives me a sense of warmth and peace....but its hard to feel that way now. I feel like I am pulled in two directions. My natural instinct is to smile and enjoy this change of seasons. It gives me nostalgia because the last two Fall seasons we lived in California and it has been a few years since I have been in NC for Fall. It brings me back to the years that we lived here and were so happy. Our family of four...living our life, enjoying the season. We would go to pumpkin farms, and the state fair. We would decorate, and cook, and start shopping for Christmas presents for the boys. These are all things that I am inclined to do this year, but the weight of doing it without Jerry is almost unbearable. Ja...

Is this what is left of you? Your things just packed in boxes, as if they will be unpacked and put away in a closet to be worn, or used? I am supposed to open up these boxes and do something with your things...but I wont do anything with them. Instead, I will neatly fold each and every one of your shirts, taking care to button each button, and smooth the collar as I go. One particular shirt still has the sleeves rolled, just like you wore it last. Your things have been in boxes for almost 7 months, but yet I can still smell you. I can smell a faint scent of that cologne you would wear that I so loved to smell when I kissed your neck. I pulled out the zip up jacket that you wore for most of your Dr. appointments and Chemo infusions. You were so thin, and it fit you and didn't make you look as frail as you were underneath. Neat folded piles....that is what is left. Decisions on what to do with them someday. Will your dad want your suits? Will the boys want some of your shirts? Neatly...

You said you would always be there for me You said we had forever together We were supposed to grow old together You said we had so much time  Now I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  We said we would love, for better or worse. But you never said the worse would be me without you  You said you would be ok but your eyes told me that you didn't have much time.  N ow I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  I've gotta figure it all out without you  Carry it all without you  Get through the dark without you Keep my heart beating without you  How do I do this....without you? 

Your not here to see. Tyler put a suit in this weekend and we remembered how you taught him about how to tuck in your shirt and make it look even.  Jay got to ride in a subway and all I could think of is how important that would be to you to have him experience the things you did as a child. His eyes were wide with wonder and I thought about how that would make you feel good.  Tyler remembered a story you told him about getting your shoes stolen on the Subway and he was sure to tell Jay the story about dad.  We were guests at a wedding and the boys looked so handsome and I sat at a table with couples, by myself. Reminded of our wedding and how amazing it was and how deeply in love we were. I had to run to he bathroom to cry at one point, overwhelmed with emotion and not wanting anyone to see.  We drove to NY, first long road trip without you. I was so proud of myself for being able to do it and the boys were wonderful, Tyler drove a lot and kept m...

I was driving yesterday and got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to say something to God. You see God and I have not had a conversation since Jerry died. I have not said anything to him since I begged him to spare his life. I remember the last time I cried out to him. After I left the chapel I got this horrible feeling that I was losing him soon and that I needed to hurry and be by his side at that moment. Maybe God was telling me something.  I was crying in the car yesterday when I got this feeling...I saw a church. I pulled in he parking lot and thought about going inside. But what would I say? I still don't know if I even believe that God is there anymore.  I decided that I wasn't ready and had nothing to say. I pulled out of the parking lot and went home.  Nothing is the way it used to be. Things that I do, say...believe.  What is normal now? Everyday I wake up and part of me still wonders of this is all a dream...a nightmare. A part of me wants to just fall...

Last night I held you as you cried out for him.  Last night you grabbed me as the tears kept coming.  You held me tight, rested your head on my chest. I cried with you because I miss him too. But mostly I cried FOR you, because I know how much you hurt.  This is unfair to you. You are only 9 years old.  You should not have to feel this pain.  You should not have to be without him.  I asked you if you have questions, and you said no, that you just missed him.  I asked you if you understood why he died.  You said, because his liver and kidneys were swollen and he had cancer.  I told you how he fought, and that he never wanted to leave you.  I told you how he is still here in our hearts, and memories.  I told you how much he loves all of us.  We can look at pictures and videos and tell stories if that helps.  I don't know how to help you, but I know you needed to cry.  I told you...

It has been 146 days without him. 20 weeks and 6 days since his last breath. 3,504 hours since I touched his face or held his hand. I am in a new phase of my grief I think. Swinging back around to the shock of it all, but becoming increasingly aware that I have not given Jay the right outlet for his grief and I am mad at myself for taking so long to help him. This is a discovery that is coming out in my weekly counseling sessions. I am realizing how much Jay must be hurting. I think my own hurt and sadness has kept me from seeing that. The more aware I am of it, the more I see how he yearns for his dad. He misses him so much. For a while my flashbacks have been of Jerry, and his sickness, and the hospital and seeing him die. But lately it is the fact that my children where there. They saw all of this too. I am in the process of getting him with new counseling. He was receiving some free counseling at a grief center but only went a few times. I also ordered this book a while back fo...

Lost in this endless sea of waves crashing into me. Sometimes the sea is calm and there are only small ripples splashing around me. I don't always notice them, or I do, but they are just fleeting moments of thought. Then as my back is turned and I am soaking in the sun, a giant wave is barreling towards me. I don't know it's there, I realize it as it hits me and kicks me over and under. Almost drowning in its strength. I kick and flail my arms until I surface. I gasp for air, because I feel like it's been so long since I could take in such a few breath. My chest hurts, I am out of breath. Sometimes as I am recovering from this wave, there is another right behind it. Other times the sea will calm and I have time to regroup and gather myself in preparation for the next big one. I know it will come. This sea is unpredictable and powerful. It doesn't wait for me to be ready, it doesn't go easy on me. I have to be brave. I also have to try and give my children a floa...

We all face a time in our life when a decision has to be made. Whether it be a move, a job, a loss. I have always been able to make rational decisions. I weigh the pros and cons, think long and hard about what is better for everyone affected by this decision, and then I make it. Any adult can tell you that they have done this many, many times. We make decisions, and hope that they are the right ones. We keep our fingers crossed that that outcome is what we envisioned in our head. We hope that we were given enough advice, and taught how to make smart choices in our lives. We try to pass this to our children, who we know will someday have to make these decisions on their own. Then there is the decisions about life and death..... Those are the ones that haunt you. I struggle every day with wondering whether I made all of the right decisions for Jerry. My heart knows that the outcome would have been the same. The Doctors told me that, the outcome would have been the same. I couldn't...

This will probably be the hardest post to write, but I know how it will help me. Every time I write one of these posts, I feel myself moving forward in the grieving process. Today is a hard day for some reason, I feel like I have been on the verge of tears all day. Some days are just like that. I woke up with the vision that is in my head most mornings and it is the moments of Jerrys last breaths. Horrible...how can someone wake up to that every single day and get through the day? It physically hurts every morning to get out of bed. I used to roll over and see his face. I used to feel his arm around me or his leg touching mine. Now I sleep in this bed alone, without him and I can't picture snuggling with him. I see him in the bed sick, and hurting. Maybe this isn't a good day to write this entry...or maybe it will be so raw and emotional that it will help. I don't post many of these since this is when he was sick. He was so skinny. But he was so happy this day. He was...

I have always been a very nurturing person. I like to take care of the ones that I love, it brings me joy. Being the caregiver to your terminally ill husband is a whole different ball game. I pushed Jerry to see the Dr whenever he did, our entire relationship. It is like that with a lot of men. They think they are fine. Jerry was very rarely sick. In the 15 years that we were together he had a cold, and the Flu a few times, thats about it. From the moment Jerry went to the Dr. for the initial appointment I went into full swing caregiver mode. I HAD to help him, and make it better. My role was so unbelievably hard. Let me just tell you about the Patient Jerry.....He was a stubborn one for sure. He wanted to be in control of his medication, and of course in good ole Jerry fashion, found an app that would remind him when to take his medication and he could log it in the app. It had alarms for when to take the next rounds of medications. I think he liked to be in charge of something in ...