The sea

Lost in this endless sea of waves crashing into me. Sometimes the sea is calm and there are only small ripples splashing around me. I don't always notice them, or I do, but they are just fleeting moments of thought. Then as my back is turned and I am soaking in the sun, a giant wave is barreling towards me. I don't know it's there, I realize it as it hits me and kicks me over and under. Almost drowning in its strength. I kick and flail my arms until I surface. I gasp for air, because I feel like it's been so long since I could take in such a few breath. My chest hurts, I am out of breath. Sometimes as I am recovering from this wave, there is another right behind it. Other times the sea will calm and I have time to regroup and gather myself in preparation for the next big one. I know it will come. This sea is unpredictable and powerful. It doesn't wait for me to be ready, it doesn't go easy on me. I have to be brave. I also have to try and give my children a floatation device so that they can coast over the waves as I let them hit me. Sometimes there is this calm....and the sea is quiet. I can actually enjoy a few moments of remembering when it used to be like this all the time. When the waves were not so high, before they all came crashing down on me. Before the tsunami came ashore....
This is my grief

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