Falling into Fall

October 04, 2017

This is my favorite time of year. I love when the mornings are crisp and chilly, and the leaves start turning beautiful colors before they fall from their branches. I have always enjoyed and embraced the Fall. Sweaters, boots, warm meals made in my crockpot. Something about this weather gives me a sense of warmth and peace....but its hard to feel that way now.

I feel like I am pulled in two directions. My natural instinct is to smile and enjoy this change of seasons. It gives me nostalgia because the last two Fall seasons we lived in California and it has been a few years since I have been in NC for Fall. It brings me back to the years that we lived here and were so happy. Our family of four...living our life, enjoying the season. We would go to pumpkin farms, and the state fair. We would decorate, and cook, and start shopping for Christmas presents for the boys. These are all things that I am inclined to do this year, but the weight of doing it without Jerry is almost unbearable. Jay has asked about the state fair, and corn mazes. He wants to do the things we used to do, and so do I but I feel this heavy weight in my chest every time I think about it.

I am aware of firsts....I have been through a bunch already since Jerry died, and I anticipate the next round of firsts are going to be the hardest. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through February. Fall is hard because of the holidays coming up. Thanksgiving, and Christmas are around the corner. Not only celebrating the holidays without Jerry, but thinking back to this time last year when the holidays were so hard. November is when Jerry first went to the Dr., December is when he was diagnosed, January was when he started treatment and February 20th he left this earth. I look at my Facebook "On this day" memories each day and I know that in the coming months I will see posts from last year about being positive and trying to help Jerry fight his Cancer....and then I will see the posts from the hospital. This weight, the free falling feeling of unknowns. I am scared of these firsts.

Sometimes I wish I could know what Jerry would want me to do. I feel guilty sometimes, thinking that he might not think I am missing him enough or mourning him they way he would want me to. I know that is ridiculous to think, but I do. I don't speak to him out loud that often, but I think of him everyday. People say they can feel that their loved one is still with them after they die...I do not feel that. Sometimes there will be a random butterfly near me, or a song will come on the radio, or the dog will growl at Jerrys Urn...and I say that it is Jerry. In truth, I don't feel him. I guess I thought that I would get this overwhelming feeling that he is here, like a spirit, or talk to him in my dreams. That doesn't happen. I wish I would feel those things, but I am a realist and If i wanted to that, I could probably feel that way using my imagination, but the logical side of me knows there is not a way to feel him in that way for me. Maybe someday I will.

There are all the things that people say like;
"He is watching over you and the boys"
"Jerry is proud of you"
"Jerry would have wanted that"
How do you know that!! I know it is said to make me feel better, but it doesn't because I don't feel him. He is gone. He is gone from this earth, and maybe someday I will see him again...maybe not. That is the way my brain works now.
I do know this. I feel that he is at peace. Wherever he is.

I also think about how far I have come this year. How I am finally starting to be proud of my strength, and recognize my ability to still stand and live during this time. I know already how hard these next few months are going to be, but I also know that I will be ok. Thats the thing about grief that I am learning. I can fall into it when its hard, letting it all come rush in and feel the sadness and despair...but then when I have felt it in the depths of my soul, and have cried all of the tears that I would like, I stand back up. I hug my boys, I do something in Jerry's memory that makes me smile. I find something positive to do or say to get me back out of that dark place. But I do not hide from it. I let myself fall...knowing full well that it will hurt like hell, but that I wont be bruised and battered forever.

Falling into Fall this year. But I will surely get back up. I hope Jerry would have wanted that.

Here are some memories from this season in years past.