New normal?

I was driving yesterday and got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to say something to God. You see God and I have not had a conversation since Jerry died. I have not said anything to him since I begged him to spare his life. I remember the last time I cried out to him. After I left the chapel I got this horrible feeling that I was losing him soon and that I needed to hurry and be by his side at that moment. Maybe God was telling me something. 
I was crying in the car yesterday when I got this feeling...I saw a church. I pulled in he parking lot and thought about going inside. But what would I say? I still don't know if I even believe that God is there anymore. 
I decided that I wasn't ready and had nothing to say. I pulled out of the parking lot and went home. 

Nothing is the way it used to be. Things that I do, say...believe. 

What is normal now? Everyday I wake up and part of me still wonders of this is all a dream...a nightmare. A part of me wants to just fall back asleep and wake up in the life that once was. Where we were happy, and clueless as to what was yet to come. Our days filled with routine, structure, and schedules. Our evenings sitting around at the dinner table laughing while we watched King of Queens or Impractical Jokers. Our weekends, we sometimes spent at soccer or baseball games after which we would go out to eat at one of our favorite spots. Some weekends we just woke up and said, let's go somewhere overnight or take a trip to Vegas with the kids and leave within the hour, bags packed for a fun weekend getaway......that was our life. We laughed a lot together. We told each other I love you, we did our best to understand each other. We worked hard to play hard and be a family. 
As the 6 month mark of Jerrys death approaches, The summer is ending. After all that we went through, and then moved, we had a lot happening this summer. In the next few weeks we will have to get into a new routine. A new "normal". School will start, soccer practices, SAT's, schedules, and structure will have to be a part of our life in order to keep our sanity. I am scared of this. He is supposed to be here, telling me not to buy so many school clothes for the kids and thenspoiling  them with expensive sneakers. He's supposed to be carrying our chairs to the soccer games making me laugh on the sidelines as we cheer on our son. He should be talking to Ty about senior year and guiding him on his college applications. But our new normal is not this way. I try to think about things he would say, or what his opinion about something would be. I struggle with making decisions on my own, and sticking with any type of schedule. 
We went to the mall today to shop for some nice outfits for an upcoming wedding and I was thinking of him the whole time. I was looking at Ty standing there in a suit and thinking how Jerry would have told him how he is handsome and wore it well. Then he would have made a joke about how Ty finally listened to his fashion advice after all these years. 
How am I supposed to go through these moments and not be sad all the time. All of these milestones that he should be here for. 
I have lots of friends and family around me but I have never felt so lonely. I miss talking to him. I miss his smile and our weekend adventures. Jay told me that when he sees a "brown kid with a brown dad and mom with my complexion" it makes him sad. He's actively looking for people that resemble his family and missing it. I feel a turning point coming, or a wave, or mountainous hill to climb. This new normal will someday start to not feel so new. We will begin to get used to doing things without him here. I can't imagine what it will feel like but I am sure it will come. 


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