Thiswidowlife

You said you would always be there for me You said we had forever together We were supposed to grow old together You said we had so much time  Now I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  We said we would love, for better or worse. But you never said the worse would be me without you  You said you would be ok but your eyes told me that you didn't have much time.  N ow I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  I've gotta figure it all out without you  Carry it all without you  Get through the dark without you Keep my heart beating without you  How do I do this....without you? 

Your not here to see. Tyler put a suit in this weekend and we remembered how you taught him about how to tuck in your shirt and make it look even.  Jay got to ride in a subway and all I could think of is how important that would be to you to have him experience the things you did as a child. His eyes were wide with wonder and I thought about how that would make you feel good.  Tyler remembered a story you told him about getting your shoes stolen on the Subway and he was sure to tell Jay the story about dad.  We were guests at a wedding and the boys looked so handsome and I sat at a table with couples, by myself. Reminded of our wedding and how amazing it was and how deeply in love we were. I had to run to he bathroom to cry at one point, overwhelmed with emotion and not wanting anyone to see.  We drove to NY, first long road trip without you. I was so proud of myself for being able to do it and the boys were wonderful, Tyler drove a lot and kept m...

I was driving yesterday and got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to say something to God. You see God and I have not had a conversation since Jerry died. I have not said anything to him since I begged him to spare his life. I remember the last time I cried out to him. After I left the chapel I got this horrible feeling that I was losing him soon and that I needed to hurry and be by his side at that moment. Maybe God was telling me something.  I was crying in the car yesterday when I got this feeling...I saw a church. I pulled in he parking lot and thought about going inside. But what would I say? I still don't know if I even believe that God is there anymore.  I decided that I wasn't ready and had nothing to say. I pulled out of the parking lot and went home.  Nothing is the way it used to be. Things that I do, say...believe.  What is normal now? Everyday I wake up and part of me still wonders of this is all a dream...a nightmare. A part of me wants to just fall...

Last night I held you as you cried out for him.  Last night you grabbed me as the tears kept coming.  You held me tight, rested your head on my chest. I cried with you because I miss him too. But mostly I cried FOR you, because I know how much you hurt.  This is unfair to you. You are only 9 years old.  You should not have to feel this pain.  You should not have to be without him.  I asked you if you have questions, and you said no, that you just missed him.  I asked you if you understood why he died.  You said, because his liver and kidneys were swollen and he had cancer.  I told you how he fought, and that he never wanted to leave you.  I told you how he is still here in our hearts, and memories.  I told you how much he loves all of us.  We can look at pictures and videos and tell stories if that helps.  I don't know how to help you, but I know you needed to cry.  I told you...

It has been 146 days without him. 20 weeks and 6 days since his last breath. 3,504 hours since I touched his face or held his hand. I am in a new phase of my grief I think. Swinging back around to the shock of it all, but becoming increasingly aware that I have not given Jay the right outlet for his grief and I am mad at myself for taking so long to help him. This is a discovery that is coming out in my weekly counseling sessions. I am realizing how much Jay must be hurting. I think my own hurt and sadness has kept me from seeing that. The more aware I am of it, the more I see how he yearns for his dad. He misses him so much. For a while my flashbacks have been of Jerry, and his sickness, and the hospital and seeing him die. But lately it is the fact that my children where there. They saw all of this too. I am in the process of getting him with new counseling. He was receiving some free counseling at a grief center but only went a few times. I also ordered this book a while back fo...

Lost in this endless sea of waves crashing into me. Sometimes the sea is calm and there are only small ripples splashing around me. I don't always notice them, or I do, but they are just fleeting moments of thought. Then as my back is turned and I am soaking in the sun, a giant wave is barreling towards me. I don't know it's there, I realize it as it hits me and kicks me over and under. Almost drowning in its strength. I kick and flail my arms until I surface. I gasp for air, because I feel like it's been so long since I could take in such a few breath. My chest hurts, I am out of breath. Sometimes as I am recovering from this wave, there is another right behind it. Other times the sea will calm and I have time to regroup and gather myself in preparation for the next big one. I know it will come. This sea is unpredictable and powerful. It doesn't wait for me to be ready, it doesn't go easy on me. I have to be brave. I also have to try and give my children a floa...

We all face a time in our life when a decision has to be made. Whether it be a move, a job, a loss. I have always been able to make rational decisions. I weigh the pros and cons, think long and hard about what is better for everyone affected by this decision, and then I make it. Any adult can tell you that they have done this many, many times. We make decisions, and hope that they are the right ones. We keep our fingers crossed that that outcome is what we envisioned in our head. We hope that we were given enough advice, and taught how to make smart choices in our lives. We try to pass this to our children, who we know will someday have to make these decisions on their own. Then there is the decisions about life and death..... Those are the ones that haunt you. I struggle every day with wondering whether I made all of the right decisions for Jerry. My heart knows that the outcome would have been the same. The Doctors told me that, the outcome would have been the same. I couldn't...