8 Months...finding peace.

Jerry,
There are days when the feeling of missing you is so overwhelming. It hurts in my chest, in my gut, in my soul. I feel lost, empty and sad. There are no words to explain how I feel. My heart, my life, shattered in pieces on the floor. 
Your touch, your smile, your laughter. Wanting to touch your face, and feel your heart beating in your chest. You telling me that you would be alright....and now you have been gone for 8 months. 
I call out to you sometimes, I touch your face in a picture frame, I look for you in the sky. You left me here alone to raise our boys and sometimes I am so lost in the dark that I cannot see the light. 
I have dark days, moments, seconds. Still so haunted by the last few months of your life. Guilt, unanswered questions, anger. Why.....Why.
I had a moment yesterday when I realized how much I am still so haunted by this. How I have not found peace in so many things left unsaid or undone. I am searching for that peace. I am trying to find a way to be ok, smile, open my heart. I have spend too much time pushing the feelings aside, thinking that I am healing in some way when there are so many things I have avoided. 
Your gone....and I am here. I cannot change a thing. I cannot bring you back...I cannot take your place. 
Yesterday for the first time in almost a year I think I finally felt a peace. I may not be in a place where I forgive myself, or accept things as they are, but I finally realized how I need to get there. 
Peace.
Jerry, the love of my life. Always. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, or wish you were here. I look at our children, and my heart breaks for their pain. I am still so unsure of many things but I know that my love for you will be forever. I hope you that you want me to find peace. I struggle with many things I wish I knew that you wanted. Being with you for 15 years I think helped me know how you would want me to live, love, and go on even if we never spoke the words. 
I love you Jerry. 





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