We didn't die too

This past year has taught me a lot. I talk about it all the time. I am different, changed, not the same person I was before. Grief does that. It rips at your inner core, the bottom of your soul, and pulls all of who you are out of you, thrown into a blender and tossed in the air. Then you have to kind of stand there with a bucket and catch what is left of you hope that some things have stayed in tact. 

When Jerry died, I felt so lost. when you lose your husband and you have kids, it deepens the sadness, and heartache, because not only are you grieving for yourself, you are grieving for them too. I look back and I know that some things I have done or said in the last year with my boys has not been the ideal way to do things when someone dies. But who said I have to do it a certain way? Everyone is different in how they feel, grieve, and grow. It is hard for me to talk to my boys about their grief. It literally feels like my insides are being ripped out when I have a conversation about their dad and how they feel about his death. We lost him, all of us. He is gone.

Here is something that has been hard too...we lost family. Not just Jerry but some immediate family related to Jerry. These are important people in my kids lives. Their grief has taken them to a place where we ALL dont exist anymore. Jerry died and so did we. We are not a part of their lives, and nothing we can say can change that. I can't judge their grief because I dont let anyone judge mine. But I cant imagine how it must feel to my children who lost their dad, to also lose grandma and aunts and cousins. Its as if they are all gone, they died with him. I struggle with this all the time, I have so many things that are left unsaid and I cannot express it, or communicate anything to them.

WE DIDN'T DIE TOO! We are still here, ALIVE with Jerry in our hearts and minds all the time.

My counselor suggested that I write a letter to the people that do not speak to me. I dont need to send it, maybe I even burn it. But it is a way to get out what I want to say and release this anger, this sadness and loss. I am grieving them too. Maybe this is a good way to work through this. I want to know -

Do they know that Jay plays soccer like a champ?
Do they know that Tyler is following his dream to be a music producer?
Do they see how much Jay looks like his dad?
Do they know that they have cried for Jerry so many times and wonder how they are doing?

Grief can take you to a very dark place. I have chosen to let to let it teach me, to reach out, to learn, heal and find happiness. I chose to think that is what Jerry would have wanted


WE DIDN'T DIE TOO