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We didn't die too

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This past year has taught me a lot. I talk about it all the time. I am different, changed, not the same person I was before. Grief does that. It rips at your inner core, the bottom of your soul, and pulls all of who you are out of you, thrown into a blender and tossed in the air. Then you have to kind of stand there with a bucket and catch what is left of you hope that some things have stayed in tact. 

When Jerry died, I felt so lost. when you lose your husband and you have kids, it deepens the sadness, and heartache, because not only are you grieving for yourself, you are grieving for them too. I look back and I know that some things I have done or said in the last year with my boys has not been the ideal way to do things when someone dies. But who said I have to do it a certain way? Everyone is different in how they feel, grieve, and grow. It is hard for me to talk to my boys about their grief. It literally feels like my insides are being ripped out when I have a conversation about…

2017

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What can I say to 2017.... You brought me pain, sorrow, tears, loss,heartbreak, devastation, confusion, grief, anger, made me a widow. But also I had strength, resilience, hope, smiles, purpose, and fight.  This was the worst year of my life, but it has changed me. I can’t change losing Jerry. I can’t bring him back, and I miss him EVERY day. My heart aches for him. But I am not the same woman I was for the last 39 years. 2017 changed me. I am looking to the future, living and loving each day the the fullest. Becoming stronger and more independent than I ever thought I could be. My children have been through hell and back with me and we are going to have a year of positive things. Tyler turns 18, graduates HS and will start College, Jay will turn 10, I will turn 40. I will start a new career and find new self by not moving on, but moving forward. I never imagined being here at this point in my life. I never thought I would have to walk through this fire, but I am starting to come out…

All by myself

Christmas is a week away. I have pretty much gotten all of the shopping done, my home is decorated beautifully, and I even hosted a party last weekend. I am going through this month on auto pilot. Trying not to think about last year, how hard this month was for us. The dates are looming ahead of me, reminding me of the scariest days of my life. Yet, I somehow have been able to pull off finishing my pre licensing course for real estate, shopped for christmas, and spend time with my friends and the boys...all by myself. But I have been doing this for a long time, I have not been giving myself credit for taking charge of my life. Jerry and I always said we were a team and we truly were. We always made decisions together. Making sure we checked with the other one before making a final decision on a lot of things. Obviously I am the only one left to do this now, he is not here for me to ask what he thinks about it. I made a lot of decisions in the first few months after Jerry died, mostly …

One more light

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Few people close to me know this. So I guess here it is for you all to hear.  When people die the ones they love tend to look for signs, when they think their loved one is there with them, or moments when they say they feel them. They say cardinals, butterflies, etc are signs that they are near. I have struggled with this after Jerry died. You see, I always believed that if someone that close to me died, that they would be able to send me signals or make sure I felt them there. But after he died...he was just gone. He was the urn that I clutched in my arms in a 6 hour plane right to NC. He was the smell of his clothes and cologne. He was in Jays eyes. But I didn’t “feel” him.  I have had lengthy conversations with my mother about how I don’t feel him. In a nutshell she has told me that if I want to feel him I will, or if I truly say it and look for him, he will be there. I told her that I am too skeptical and really felt like he is just gone and cannot give me signs. There have been s…

Go ahead and cry

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Go ahead and cry
These are the hardest times for me.  There have only been a few. You cry out for him, and I cry with you. 
What am I supposed to say, When your squeezing the bear made from his shirt. I wipe your tears, wishing I could take away the hurt. 
Your scared and you are lonely. Emotions that you shouldn’t have to feel.  Your only Nine years old and all of this is so real. 
I wish I could turn back time, and change the past. I wish I could make it so this pain wouldn’t last.
I will hold you baby, because I can’t tell you why, I love you my son, just go ahead and cry. 



8 Months...finding peace.

Jerry, There are days when the feeling of missing you is so overwhelming. It hurts in my chest, in my gut, in my soul. I feel lost, empty and sad. There are no words to explain how I feel. My heart, my life, shattered in pieces on the floor.  Your touch, your smile, your laughter. Wanting to touch your face, and feel your heart beating in your chest. You telling me that you would be alright....and now you have been gone for 8 months.  I call out to you sometimes, I touch your face in a picture frame, I look for you in the sky. You left me here alone to raise our boys and sometimes I am so lost in the dark that I cannot see the light.  I have dark days, moments, seconds. Still so haunted by the last few months of your life. Guilt, unanswered questions, anger. Why.....Why. I had a moment yesterday when I realized how much I am still so haunted by this. How I have not found peace in so many things left unsaid or undone. I am searching for that peace. I am trying to find a way to be ok, smile,…

Ups and Downs...and ups and downs

I woke up this morning after a particularly weird dream about getting into a car accident. The dream was so vivid that I remember feeling what it was like in the car as it flipped over and over, then waking up in the hospital. I was ok, but hurt. Waking up from that dream started my day in a slump. I had already planned to go and pick up the trampoline that I ordered for the boys from the sporting goods store. They were so excited when they heard that I was going to pick it up.

On the way to the store I was listening to my Spotify on shuffle, and of course some of my sad songs that remind me of Jerry always end up playing when I do that. I was singing and the tears started to flow...and then they would not stop. I parked the car and cried....and cried. I ended up crying for 30 minutes, and I did not know why today was making me feel this way, but it was. I was so sad, and then mad and then sad. My emotions where out of control.

These ups and downs are so hard. Today I was feeling part…