Ups and Downs...and ups and downs

I woke up this morning after a particularly weird dream about getting into a car accident. The dream was so vivid that I remember feeling what it was like in the car as it flipped over and over, then waking up in the hospital. I was ok, but hurt. Waking up from that dream started my day in a slump. I had already planned to go and pick up the trampoline that I ordered for the boys from the sporting goods store. They were so excited when they heard that I was going to pick it up.

On the way to the store I was listening to my Spotify on shuffle, and of course some of my sad songs that remind me of Jerry always end up playing when I do that. I was singing and the tears started to flow...and then they would not stop. I parked the car and cried....and cried. I ended up crying for 30 minutes, and I did not know why today was making me feel this way, but it was. I was so sad, and then mad and then sad. My emotions where out of control.

These ups and downs are so hard. Today I was feeling particularly down. I just felt like all of this excitement about getting a trampoline was going on, and he was not here to spend the day with us. The day was reminding me of a typical Sunday that we would have, buying something fun and then spending the day together. But he is not here and its not fair.

I came home, and had a WONDERFUL day putting together the trampoline with the boys and then mom and Keith came over to help too. We were sweaty and frustrated at some of the directions, but it was not too hard, we had a few laughs and I really enjoyed the day. I did not think about my sad morning. This was the UP part of my day.

 Later on, the boys and I laid down on the trampoline in the evening just looking up at the sky and I thought about how my morning of tears turned into a beautiful day. I thought about my ups and downs of the day and how that is such a hard part of my grief.

It is so emotionally draining to feel so many emotions in one day. This happens to me often. People will only see the up of my day, and not the downs. It is physically tiring. Sometimes I do not answer my phone or a text for hours because I am consumed in my thoughts, or I just don't have the energy to get words out.

I am tired of the ups and downs.
I am tired of these peaks and valleys.
I am tired of being lonely
I am tired of making all of the decisions
I am tired of sleeping alone
I am tired of wishing he was here
I am tired of doing it ALL MYSELF
I am tired of being mad
I am tired of being sad
I am fucking exhausted.

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