Thiswidowlife

You said you would always be there for me You said we had forever together We were supposed to grow old together You said we had so much time  Now I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  We said we would love, for better or worse. But you never said the worse would be me without you  You said you would be ok but your eyes told me that you didn't have much time.  N ow I have to learn to be without you.  I have to find my way without you Live another day without you.  How do I love without you?  I've gotta figure it all out without you  Carry it all without you  Get through the dark without you Keep my heart beating without you  How do I do this....without you? 

Your not here to see. Tyler put a suit in this weekend and we remembered how you taught him about how to tuck in your shirt and make it look even.  Jay got to ride in a subway and all I could think of is how important that would be to you to have him experience the things you did as a child. His eyes were wide with wonder and I thought about how that would make you feel good.  Tyler remembered a story you told him about getting your shoes stolen on the Subway and he was sure to tell Jay the story about dad.  We were guests at a wedding and the boys looked so handsome and I sat at a table with couples, by myself. Reminded of our wedding and how amazing it was and how deeply in love we were. I had to run to he bathroom to cry at one point, overwhelmed with emotion and not wanting anyone to see.  We drove to NY, first long road trip without you. I was so proud of myself for being able to do it and the boys were wonderful, Tyler drove a lot and kept m...

I was driving yesterday and got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to say something to God. You see God and I have not had a conversation since Jerry died. I have not said anything to him since I begged him to spare his life. I remember the last time I cried out to him. After I left the chapel I got this horrible feeling that I was losing him soon and that I needed to hurry and be by his side at that moment. Maybe God was telling me something.  I was crying in the car yesterday when I got this feeling...I saw a church. I pulled in he parking lot and thought about going inside. But what would I say? I still don't know if I even believe that God is there anymore.  I decided that I wasn't ready and had nothing to say. I pulled out of the parking lot and went home.  Nothing is the way it used to be. Things that I do, say...believe.  What is normal now? Everyday I wake up and part of me still wonders of this is all a dream...a nightmare. A part of me wants to just fall...