You Promised!
I needed to write this as if I am writing a letter to my Jerry. I needed to get these words out of my head. Sometimes I feel like in doing this, that I am speaking to him, or that he can hear me.
Jerry,
It was December 22nd 2016. We were on the couch
in our living room. You were laying down and feeling pretty bad. I had been
checking your oxygen, and giving you the antibiotics that were prescribed
because you had fluid in your lungs. We were watching TV and talking in between
about the kids and Christmas. We talked about the things that I had bought for
them and I was filling you in…..Let me back track a minute.
I remember in the days before I was driving to Rite Aid,
talking to my mom and my sister about how there were stories of people with
tumors on their liver, and it was not cancer. I vividly recall standing in the
parking lot of that store, with so much hope in my heart. Yearning for my mom
or sister to be there to hold my hand, and hold me up. But 2500 miles away they
still found a way to do that every day. I was really trying to convince myself
that this was not as bad as it seemed. After the biopsy we waited almost 2
weeks to get the results because pathology needed more time. I was so hopeful
that this meant it was not going to be cancer.
So, back to the couch, on 12/22. The phone rang….It was the
oncologist office. We put the phone on speaker, and she asked if it was ok to
speak freely on the phone, or would we like to come in and talk. We told her to
tell us what she had to say. She then proceeded to tell us that the biopsy came
back positive for cancer in your liver. We needed to come in and talk about the
next steps. She said a few things more, that I don’t remember because all that
I heard was the worst news of my life. We hung up….took a few breaths, and
began to try to talk positive. We talked about all of the things we read online
about this and that there may be a few options for treatment. I was always the
panicky one. You always had to calm me down. But I looked at you and said “What
if this is our last Christmas together!” with tears streaming down my face, you
looked me in the eye and you said. “No Babe, it won’t be….I Promise” I held
those words close, and in the next 2 months when I saw you lose your will to
fight, I would remind you that you promised me. I needed you to fight, I needed
you to not go back on your word. (As if you had control over it).
We then decided that telling the kids would not be a good
thing to do before Christmas, and that we would try to wait until After the New
Year. We got through Christmas, and all that I could think of is “What if this
is our last”
You PROMISED me Jerry, and even though I know in my heart
that this was not in your control, I have angry for so long that you made a
promise and didn’t keep it. Some will say “Well he is still with you” NO HE IS
NOT!
You made a few other promises throughout the next 2 months,
that I really wished you could have kept. They all were about you not dying.
You didn’t want to even talk about dying. I thought that it meant that you were
fighting to live, but looking back I realize now you were preparing me for your
death. It was not the way I wanted, I wanted goodbye, I wanted to prepare, I
wanted plans. But you just wanted me to fight for you. I didn’t understand why
you wanted me to fight for you, if you were giving up. That is another thing
that I have learned. You knew you were going to die. You didn’t want me to plan
every second of your last days talking about it. You wanted me to look back and
be ok with that fact the I DID ALL THAT I COULD. It was to prepare me for the
fight of my life…losing you and going on living.
Tonight I drove home with Jay. After a dentist appointment,
dinner and a haircut. I started talking about you and it quickly turned into me
breaking down in tears. I have not cried in front of Jay in a long time. But I
needed to say some things to him.
I told him that I am sorry. I am sorry that I could not
control what has happened in his life. I am sorry that you could not be here. I
told him that it was not fair to be 10 and not have his dad with him everyday.
I reminded him that NO MATTER WHAT, I will ALWAYS love his daddy, and that will
never change. He cried,…hard. He told me not to cry. He said he missed you, and
your laugh. I told him that we will NEVER forget your laugh, your voice, or
your smile because we can see and hear you in pictures and video. I told him
that you didn’t want to leave. That if I could go back and change it, I would.
I would bring you back to us. But I can’t. I said that we would be ok, and that
you left him for me. You left this beautiful, smart loving boy to be with me.
To remind me of our love, and to do great things. He smiled when I said that.
I promised him something….That one day, when it is our time
to leave this earth, that we will be able to see you again. I told him that I
don’t know how it will be, or if it will feel like seeing a person but we will
know that it is you. I reminded him to look for you in the sky and the sun, and
know that your watching him, and very proud. These are promises that I can
make and pray in my heart that I can keep.
I know that when you made that promise, you wanted to mean
it. I also know that you knew in your heart that it was not true. But it is ok.
I was so angry for a while, and some days I still am, and that’s ok too. But I
have come to realize, that you needed me to be strong, and believe that so that
the last Christmas didn’t feel like the last.
This Christmas will be the 2nd one without you.
Its hard….really hard. I feel like I am climbing up a ladder, and falling down
about 10 times a day. I am mad, sad, happy all in the span of minutes
sometimes. But that is grief. I know that the promise of your love will always
be with me and that is a promise you could never break. I love you Jerry.
Love Always, Danielle
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