Another First.



It is Valentines Day. I think of Jerry and how much we loved each other. I also smile and even laugh thinking about some of the Valentines days that he would forget to get me card, or to make a reservation. I could never get mad because he would make a joke and make me smile, and he ALWAYS made up for it. Him forgetting, had nothing to do with how he felt about me. He worked so hard all the time, and he would just lose track of it. He knew, and I knew, that chocolates and flowers did not represent our love. Our life did. Yes he would buy me flowers, and we would have a romantic evening together, but our love was our life. Our children, and our smiles reflected that. 

Last year on this day he was in the hospital and was and out of sleep most of the day. I had gone home to see the boys for an hour or so, and shower. When I came back to the hospital, I showed him the card that Tyler and Jay bought me. He said "oh babe, I didn't know it was Valentines Day I didn't get you anything." I chuckled, walked over to his bed, kissed his cheek and told him that being by his side is the only place I want to be. I also told him he can make up for it when he got out of there and got better....he never did. That night, I treated myself to some food that was not leftover from his tray that he didn't eat because I couldn't leave his side. I had food delivered and watched tv next to his bed while he slept. It was our last Valentines Day together. 

In 6 days it will be a year that he has left this earth. I honestly feel like I am hanging by a VERY thin thread. I know that I will get through the next week because I have been through almost a year of firsts. This is the hardest 1st. Death and sickness are all around me lately and it is consuming me. I feel an uncontrollable sob constantly sitting in my throat waiting for me to lose it. Clawing at my heart trying to rip open the freshly closed wounds. 

There are people in my life that bring me Joy. I am learning that smiling and feeling loved is a good feeling again. I am also ensuring that I take time to acknowledge this pain, to curl up and cry, miss him and long for him. I told Jay last night that the best gift that daddy ever gave me was him. I get to have a piece of daddy left for the rest of my life. He smiled, touched my cheek and told me he loved me so much. I think they both said that. 

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