How do I live....
We all face a time in our life when a decision has to be made. Whether it be a move, a job, a loss. I have always been able to make rational decisions. I weigh the pros and cons, think long and hard about what is better for everyone affected by this decision, and then I make it. Any adult can tell you that they have done this many, many times. We make decisions, and hope that they are the right ones. We keep our fingers crossed that that outcome is what we envisioned in our head. We hope that we were given enough advice, and taught how to make smart choices in our lives. We try to pass this to our children, who we know will someday have to make these decisions on their own.
Then there is the decisions about life and death.....
Those are the ones that haunt you. I struggle every day with wondering whether I made all of the right decisions for Jerry. My heart knows that the outcome would have been the same. The Doctors told me that, the outcome would have been the same. I couldn't have saved him. But I question whether I gave him the peace that he needed. Did I traumatize my children by letting them see him in the ICU and be there in the end. I know the nightmares and visions that I have when I close my eyes and I question EVERY choice that I made. I need peace....I need to find a way to be ok with all of it.
Time....They say time helps. Well, I guess I can say that it does in some way. I have longer stretches of good days than bad now. The moments of complete heartache and anger are not 24 hours a day, but yet these horrible moments of realization that he is gone. "Time heals all wounds" This saying is bullshit. My heart will never heal. It will always have a hole in it. But time give you the opportunity to learn how to live. I have to learn how to live again. How can you try and do something that your heart is telling you not to. My heart is still broken for my loss. I don't WANT to be without him. I do not want to do all of this alone. Forcing myself to try and get through life in a new way is so hard. I feel like I have a weight around my feet keeping me from it. It is like being forced through a doorway that you don't want to go through but know that you have to. It really messes with your head. I find that I am removing myself of making decisions and just ignoring that this doorway is there...looking away from it.
After Jerrys death I have had to make more decisions in such a short time, than I have had in my entire life. I struggle every day to decide what will get me through the day. But now, I find it hard to make basic conclusions. I cant decide if I want to clean, pay a bill, go grocery shopping. I cant decide what I am going to do about sports, and school, and upcoming events. You see these were all things that I would always run by Jerry. I would ask him what he thought, or if he was ok with me saying yes to something that the kids wanted. I had him to bounce it off of, to agree or veto something, or to give me his opinion on it. We decided together. It was so important to me to get his approval. I think that knowing that I am the only one making the decision makes me feel more responsible for the outcome. It is all on me...the good and the bad. Now I find that I forget things, I feel in a fog and I just don't want to do anything but pass the time by distracting myself from what really needs to get accomplished.
I am taking the advice of my counselor. I am going to make a master list of what needs to be done. Each day I will take a few items on that list and make a smaller list of 2-3 things and try to accomplish THOSE things on that day. Today it was clean my house and email the lawyer. I did both of those by 1pm and I feel more accomplished than I have in a long time. I think by deciding that I will do this particular day and getting it done gives me more satisfaction and a sense of awareness than if I just did things in a panic, last minute like I have been. I make myself feel overwhelmed with my list. I now will have a short list. I may not get it done every day, and some days will be list free. It is a start. I have to learn how to live....
Then there is the decisions about life and death.....
Those are the ones that haunt you. I struggle every day with wondering whether I made all of the right decisions for Jerry. My heart knows that the outcome would have been the same. The Doctors told me that, the outcome would have been the same. I couldn't have saved him. But I question whether I gave him the peace that he needed. Did I traumatize my children by letting them see him in the ICU and be there in the end. I know the nightmares and visions that I have when I close my eyes and I question EVERY choice that I made. I need peace....I need to find a way to be ok with all of it.
Time....They say time helps. Well, I guess I can say that it does in some way. I have longer stretches of good days than bad now. The moments of complete heartache and anger are not 24 hours a day, but yet these horrible moments of realization that he is gone. "Time heals all wounds" This saying is bullshit. My heart will never heal. It will always have a hole in it. But time give you the opportunity to learn how to live. I have to learn how to live again. How can you try and do something that your heart is telling you not to. My heart is still broken for my loss. I don't WANT to be without him. I do not want to do all of this alone. Forcing myself to try and get through life in a new way is so hard. I feel like I have a weight around my feet keeping me from it. It is like being forced through a doorway that you don't want to go through but know that you have to. It really messes with your head. I find that I am removing myself of making decisions and just ignoring that this doorway is there...looking away from it.
After Jerrys death I have had to make more decisions in such a short time, than I have had in my entire life. I struggle every day to decide what will get me through the day. But now, I find it hard to make basic conclusions. I cant decide if I want to clean, pay a bill, go grocery shopping. I cant decide what I am going to do about sports, and school, and upcoming events. You see these were all things that I would always run by Jerry. I would ask him what he thought, or if he was ok with me saying yes to something that the kids wanted. I had him to bounce it off of, to agree or veto something, or to give me his opinion on it. We decided together. It was so important to me to get his approval. I think that knowing that I am the only one making the decision makes me feel more responsible for the outcome. It is all on me...the good and the bad. Now I find that I forget things, I feel in a fog and I just don't want to do anything but pass the time by distracting myself from what really needs to get accomplished.
I am taking the advice of my counselor. I am going to make a master list of what needs to be done. Each day I will take a few items on that list and make a smaller list of 2-3 things and try to accomplish THOSE things on that day. Today it was clean my house and email the lawyer. I did both of those by 1pm and I feel more accomplished than I have in a long time. I think by deciding that I will do this particular day and getting it done gives me more satisfaction and a sense of awareness than if I just did things in a panic, last minute like I have been. I make myself feel overwhelmed with my list. I now will have a short list. I may not get it done every day, and some days will be list free. It is a start. I have to learn how to live....
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