All by myself

Christmas is a week away. I have pretty much gotten all of the shopping done, my home is decorated beautifully, and I even hosted a party last weekend. I am going through this month on auto pilot. Trying not to think about last year, how hard this month was for us. The dates are looming ahead of me, reminding me of the scariest days of my life. Yet, I somehow have been able to pull off finishing my pre licensing course for real estate, shopped for christmas, and spend time with my friends and the boys...all by myself. But I have been doing this for a long time, I have not been giving myself credit for taking charge of my life. Jerry and I always said we were a team and we truly were. We always made decisions together. Making sure we checked with the other one before making a final decision on a lot of things. Obviously I am the only one left to do this now, he is not here for me to ask what he thinks about it. I made a lot of decisions in the first few months after Jerry died, mostly because I was trying to think ahead to what I wanted for me and the boys. I knew I could not just live at my moms for more than a few months. I needed to pull it together, find a home, and make it ours...all by myself. Now when I say "All by myself" that doesn't mean I have not had some of the most incredible help in my life. My family is there for me. I know they are always just in the background with their hands to catch me if it all becomes too much to handle, or if I need to break down.

I hear all the time, "Danielle, you are so strong, you have done so much for you and the boys" and I never give myself the credit. I just think that this is what has to be done. Jerry is gone, we are here, we need to continue to live. But now I look back at the past 10 months and I realize how much I have actually done. I have to start reminding myself of how strong I am and how part of why I am in the place I am today is because of ME. I am strong, I am brave, I am here.

I hope that one day, my boys look back at this time and see how their mom was able to be there for them, and how I didn't let this tragedy define me. I could have curled up in a ball for the last 10 months. I definitely do that once in a while, but most days..I am doing things All by myself.

I miss you Jerry..I hope you would be proud.

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