The Bravest and the Strongest







I want to talk about my boys. I want to try to express what they mean to me. Not just as a proud mom, but as a widow. My boys are 18 and 10. Jay (The youngest), was one month shy of turning 9 when Jerry died, and Tyler had just turned 17 the month before. I have never been able to put myself in their shoes during this time to understand their grief. I have tried, I have worried, I have cried and held them. I have looked upon their tear streamed faces as they watched people talk about who their Dad was to them, and what he meant to them. Inside, I have no idea how they were grasping that fact that he was gone...forever.



Lets talk about Tyler. My first born, my rock, my blue eyed boy (I mean young man). He is quiet, and does not outwardly show his feelings. He is not emotional, well at least to most of the world. In the last few days of Jerrys life, he stepped up. He was there, he insisted on being in the ICU with Jerry and held his hand. He held his brother the moments after Jerry took his lasts breath and held me as I crumbled to my knees many times. This was not his burden to bear, he lost his dad and needed to be able to grieve too. I tried to give him his space, and insisted that he didn't feel like he needed to "Step up" or "be the man of the house now" Even though he did those things anyway, it was not his burden to bear. He has accomplished so much in the last 16 months, and just graduated high school last week. He is off to take some general education classes here locally as he continues to work this year and plans to attend Los Angeles Recording School next spring. He is following his dreams and trying to do what he loves. This is something Jerry always told him. Work hard, work your ass off, and if you have the chance to do what you love then dive into it completely.



Now Jay, J3, Jerry III. He is is daddy's legacy. I look at him each day and see him walk like him, smile like him, and sleep like him. He is my reminder that Jerry is not truly gone. He lives on in this precious little boy. He has had a rough time since Jerry died, but managed to make many new friends, and gain a lot of independence. He still snuggles me and loves on me the way I need him to still do for just a little longer as he grows. He is my baby. We talk about Dad a lot, we talk about things he used to say, or do for us. We look at pictures and videos. He breaks down from time to time, but that is normal. I can tell that he wants to keep him fathers memory alive.

So tomorrow, these to BRAVE and STRONG boys are traveling to California. For those of you that do not know this is where we lived for 18 months, this is where Jerry was sick and where he died. Tyler has been back to visit and work since then, but Jay has not. I am not going with them, and this will be the first time Jay will be back there since a week after his dad was gone. He will be staying very close to our old house (down the street). He is excited because he gets to see his best friend who he still talks to and facetimes with multiple times a week since we moved away. They will be there for 8 days. This will be the first time I am without Jay for this long, and without both of them. I want this for them and I want them to heal. They are so brave and strong. I cannot bring myself to go back there yet and see the place where I lost him. California took my love from me, and thats is how I have associated with it since. Knowing that my son will build his future there starting next year, I am preparing myself now for a trip (a year from now) to get him settled in school.



I wish nothing but the best for my boys. I want them to enjoy the time they have there and to live life to the fullest. I want them to embrace the place that their dad loved so much. He was so happy to live there and they know that. To them, California represents their dad at his happiest. I am glad it does that for them. It does not for me, but maybe one day it will.

Godspeed my boys. Have the time of your life. I love you both.

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