Thiswidowlife

Jerry, There are days when the feeling of missing you is so overwhelming. It hurts in my chest, in my gut, in my soul. I feel lost, empty and sad. There are no words to explain how I feel. My heart, my life, shattered in pieces on the floor.  Your touch, your smile, your laughter. Wanting to touch your face, and feel your heart beating in your chest. You telling me that you would be alright....and now you have been gone for 8 months.  I call out to you sometimes, I touch your face in a picture frame, I look for you in the sky. You left me here alone to raise our boys and sometimes I am so lost in the dark that I cannot see the light.  I have dark days, moments, seconds. Still so haunted by the last few months of your life. Guilt, unanswered questions, anger. Why.....Why. I had a moment yesterday when I realized how much I am still so haunted by this. How I have not found peace in so many things left unsaid or undone. I am searching for that peace. I am trying t...

I woke up this morning after a particularly weird dream about getting into a car accident. The dream was so vivid that I remember feeling what it was like in the car as it flipped over and over, then waking up in the hospital. I was ok, but hurt. Waking up from that dream started my day in a slump. I had already planned to go and pick up the trampoline that I ordered for the boys from the sporting goods store. They were so excited when they heard that I was going to pick it up. On the way to the store I was listening to my Spotify on shuffle, and of course some of my sad songs that remind me of Jerry always end up playing when I do that. I was singing and the tears started to flow...and then they would not stop. I parked the car and cried....and cried. I ended up crying for 30 minutes, and I did not know why today was making me feel this way, but it was. I was so sad, and then mad and then sad. My emotions where out of control. These ups and downs are so hard. Today I was feeling p...

This is my favorite time of year. I love when the mornings are crisp and chilly, and the leaves start turning beautiful colors before they fall from their branches. I have always enjoyed and embraced the Fall. Sweaters, boots, warm meals made in my crockpot. Something about this weather gives me a sense of warmth and peace....but its hard to feel that way now. I feel like I am pulled in two directions. My natural instinct is to smile and enjoy this change of seasons. It gives me nostalgia because the last two Fall seasons we lived in California and it has been a few years since I have been in NC for Fall. It brings me back to the years that we lived here and were so happy. Our family of four...living our life, enjoying the season. We would go to pumpkin farms, and the state fair. We would decorate, and cook, and start shopping for Christmas presents for the boys. These are all things that I am inclined to do this year, but the weight of doing it without Jerry is almost unbearable. Ja...