One more light




Few people close to me know this. So I guess here it is for you all to hear. 
When people die the ones they love tend to look for signs, when they think their loved one is there with them, or moments when they say they feel them. They say cardinals, butterflies, etc are signs that they are near. I have struggled with this after Jerry died. You see, I always believed that if someone that close to me died, that they would be able to send me signals or make sure I felt them there. But after he died...he was just gone. He was the urn that I clutched in my arms in a 6 hour plane right to NC. He was the smell of his clothes and cologne. He was in Jays eyes. But I didn’t “feel” him. 
I have had lengthy conversations with my mother about how I don’t feel him. In a nutshell she has told me that if I want to feel him I will, or if I truly say it and look for him, he will be there. I told her that I am too skeptical and really felt like he is just gone and cannot give me signs. There have been some moments where I thought something that I saw or felt was a sign from him but I brushed it off as my imagination. 
Then tonight I realized something. I need to open my eyes. He IS with me. The place he is with me most is music. I have posted a song or two before and talked about him and even one time a song came on randomly in the car that I had never heard and the words were perfect. Well it happened again today. Driving in the car a random song came on that I have never heard and the words....oh the words. (Linkin Park - One more light) link https://g.co/kgs/gpJnt2

I need to open my eyes and look for him. He is the music, he is the sunset, he is the laughter in his kids and the smile on their face. I torture myself daily with the questions of “what would he say to me?” “Is he at peace?” “Does he know how much I hurt?” “Does he know how hard I am trying?” I am going to spend more time opening my eyes and feeling him there, than questioning it all. Because living my life feeling him close is way better then knowing he is gone. 

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